Bonus Post: My Dirty Little Secret

It is officially official. The aisle has been walked. The vows said. Bouquet and garter tossed. Dances danced and cake smooshed, eaten, and frozen for a paper anniversary. I have so many memories that will make me sigh with romance, fill my belly full of glee, and laugh until I'm sore.

Now that the day has passed I am ready to confess... I have a dirty little secret...

Ben and I have been together for almost 9 years and we were never in a rush to get married. To be clear, this means that Ben was not in a rush and I never pushed him. This sounds really supportive doesn't it? Like "Aw Katie, that's so mature. Let him wait until he is ready and stay steadfast until he's able to get there on his own." I like the sounds of that but the dirty little secret is that I was not in a hurry. Not because I was being respectful or supportive. I wasn't in a hurry because I didn't want to waste it. You get exactly one opportunity to plan your the wedding of your dreams and I knew if I rushed into it I would  come to regret that we didn't take our sweet time. I didn't want to rush it because I didn't want it to be behind us. I wanted to keep looking forward to it.

Yes, I am aware that divorce is a thing and that saying you only get one chance makes me sound naive at best and disrespectful at worst.  Divorce and I are acquainted... think an imaginary friend kind of relationship... Why you tryin' to harsh the mellow I got goin' on here?!..Sure, part of my wanting to wait was to be certain that I had found the right partner, but I figured that out years ago. After year 7 I think I just didn't want to blow it and waiting was easier than proving I could pull off the wedding I dreamed about. That's the other dirty little secret... I dreamed of planning a wedding... the fairytale kind. The eye roll kind. The kind that magazines and blogs, and Pinterest convinced me I wanted. I fell victim to millennial propaganda and I wanted it all and I wanted it bad. I wanted to wait until I was above all that hype. Its hard not to get caught up though and in the end I see that it really was never going to go any differently than it did. Ka, afterall, is a wheel. (This is a Stephen King reference. If you don't get it, please stop reading this mediocre writing and go indulge in some of his because he is one of the most brilliant writers of any generation.)

For 14 months, every single day, I thought about what every aspect of the event would be like.  Now that the wedding is over I can never look forward to it in a dreamy way again. Sure, I can look back fondly, and I absolutely will, but I can't ignore the fact that writing this entry was really hard because I've been feeling this gnawing sense of loss. Everyone said it would go by so fast and I knew they were right, but I didn't expect it to be quite so chaotic in its passing. I didn't expect it to feel like I broke open an hourglass and just stood by and watched as the day slipped between my fingers.

Don't misunderstand me. In so many ways, my life is just beginning. I have an incredible husband that I truly love and I am confident that we have a relationship that is going to make a lasting marriage. How confident I am in the marriage that lies ahead of us, is what makes all of this vapid blogging even possible.  I am not here to talk about the marriage though. I am here to talk about the wedding day... and the days leading up to the wedding day. To fully appreciate the whole story though, you gotta start in my head. Buckle up folks 'cause this is going to be a bumpy ride...

The Vision:

On the Sunday before wedding-week, when I closed my eyes and envisioned the day, I could see a gorgeous blue sky with the sun peaking through branches and glinting off dozens of colored glass bottles and jars hanging from the trees. A colony of tents, many with tables but a couple set up on each lawn, lounge style, provides an escape from the sunny sky. Kids run and play on the lawn and invent new games for the giant inflatable dice meant for Yard Yahtzee. There are laughing people we love playing bean-bag toss and ladder golf. Men compete in the back yard for the bragging rights in a Horseshoe Championship, beer or soda in hand. There are girls in pretty sun dresses walking the path from our "wishing well" to the Grandfather tree and over to sign the a huge poster sized print of our favorite family picture that will serve as a "guest book"  we can hang on our wall.

There are twinkling lights and little land-mines of sentimentality strewn all over. Paper bag lanterns, with lyrics from our favorite songs, and quotes from our favorite tv shows, movies, and books, line the aisle and boarder the dance floor. Wood cookies cut from the place on the hill where Ben built forts as a boy provide bases for the centerpieces. Handmade special immortal flowers are pinned onto shoulders of our Moms and Grandmothers in the same place where infant heads rested when love wasn't nearly as complicated.

I imagined that we would wake up and enjoy a light breakfast with Ben and head to my hair appointment where I would be pampered and begin my transformation from wedding planner to Bride. I'd return to the house where I'd put my gown on for real and adorn myself while Ben anxiously awaits downstairs. We would take our time looking each other over underneath our favorite tree, take our time having pictures taken with our families, and then head off with Andrew for the photo-op tour of Skowhegan I'd pictured over the past year on many walks with Brutus.

When I would close my eyes on the hill I could see myself coming up the path from the garden to the lawn for the ceremony, the tall grass dances in the breeze caressing my arm like a throng of adoring fans. As I crest the hill, under the arbor, and see my Dads, I imagine my heart as a kaleidoscope of warmth and love co-mingling in designs that are ever moving and constantly beautiful. With a Dad on each side, I would make my way along the grass aisle to stand at Ben's side under a tree with a beautiful woodsy backdrop. The ceremony area is outlined with wood pillars, also cut from Ben's childhood fortress, each supporting a candle and colored glass jar catching the light as we recite our vows.

When the kissing begins, Alabama Shakes' "Hang Luce" booms from the speakers like a new heartbeat and sets the tone for the party that is awakening in the late afternoon haze of the hill. We'd spend time on the lawn taking pictures and talking with all the people that made their way to celebrate with us. I'd dance with my flower girls, and sit down to a dinner of all our homemade picnic favorites, Kel-Mat sandwiches, and drinks until my belly was full then we would smoosh cake in in awkward places and dance until the sun sunk beneath the hill.  When the band goes on break the bondfires are lit and the boys light off some fireworks while marshmallows are toasted and more drinks are poured.  In my mind's eye we would finish the night nestled in each others' arms in the back of a car as someone drove us back home to sleep off our "love high."

If this were a movie, that would BE the story. That would be the way the wedding went down because all the bullshit in movies happens in the 9 years you wait to get married. In Hollywood if you wait 9 years, that's clearly where the drama is. If you make it to the wedding day, the least the plotmakers give you is a smooth happily-ever-glitter-farting-after... at least until the sequel... I spent the better part of a year chasing this film-esk vision of our wedding day. I wanted to create a day that was stress-free, well organized, thoughtful, and most of all fun. I wanted people to forget they were at a wedding and be enchanted by the spot that I fell in love with just like I fell in love with Ben, the boy who calls that magical place home.

This, as you know, is not a movie. This is my life. And who am I kidding, if my life WERE a movie, it wouldn't be a RomCom... In my next bonus post am about to tell the story of what really happened that day. I'm going to give you the inside scoop of what a wedding day is ACTUALLY like. Not the bullshit that movies,  and other blogs give you. No-sah! You're going to get it straight from my Maine heart to yours. That being said, SPOILER ALERT, I'm going to sock you right in the feels at times. Stay tuned... dog in a bowtie is coming right up ...

<3 Mrs. Luce the 3rd

The Finished Product

The day I sat down to write the first entry of the journal that would document the making of my wedding dress the day was cold and I was anxious, overwhelmed, excited, and glowing. I wrote in that first entry " This gown is going to be gorgeous, but if it doesn't turn out exactly as it begins in my head, that's ok...There is no possibility of this dress not turning out to be absolutely beautiful and I'm looking forward to what it looks like in the end... "  

I was right. I love being right. 

None of this would have been possible without Nancy's help. Literally none of it because without her my groom would not have been born... Awkwardness aside I owe so much to her for making more than my dress. She made my wedding the best it could be. She busted her ass for us and made sure that no matter what went wrong, we were having fun. I felt like a gorgeous bride and so much of that was how I felt in my dress. It was amazing and the only way I know to truly thank her is to take good care of her only son. I will spend the rest of my days loving him and taking care of him. Considering his needs like they were my own and doing all I can to show him the best that I have to offer. The days won't always be easy but I will always remember to be kind to him no matter what we face. I will remember to be kind because of the kindness she showed me through this process. She is a great role model and I am so grateful to her for everything she has done for me. I will repay her by treating her son the way he should be treated.

<3 Mrs. Luce 3rd 

 P.S.

Thank you for following this blog. I think this story is compelling mainly because I'm the bride and I LOVE to hear myself talk ... but I don't feel like I have said all I need to say. I just wouldn't feel right to include you in all stages of making this amazing dress without giving you a full and robust recap of the event where it had a staring role...

Ok that's kind of bullshit. There is no benefit here for you unless you like the way I tell a story.

It's no secret that I'm kind of a selfish writer. To me, this blog is a living record of who I am and what my life is like. Should I find myself in a disagreement with my brain that creates a reality where accurate memories are luxuries, I want to be able to read a story about a girl that I'd probably relate to. This blog is living therapy now and potentially aged therapy later.

I am dying to tell you every detail of how I remember the experience that was "Our Wedding Day" because someday I might be the the proverbial "you" I refer to. I want to remember this day for all the days to come and the only guarantee I can provide to myself to ensure I can, is to write it down. It could also be said that I have been feeling some postpartum wedding depression. I mean no disrespect to those suffering from actual postpartum depression but I'm just so profoundly sad it is over.

These... shall we call them "Bonus Entries?"...  are my way of trying to cope with my wedding being behind me and to create a record of this day that I know I will want to relive again and again. I'm going to talk about it here until I have it out of my system and then I'm going to go be married. It's the purge. That's the truth. So bear with me... If its any consolation, there will be pictures of a cute dog in a bow tie...